Making or Breaking a Marriage: Couple Communication at the time of loss and over time

10/22/2018

Presented by Sherokee Ilse, BA, BLFA

Measurable Learning Objectives:
At the conclusion of this presentation, participants should be able to…
1. Compare and contrast the different styles of coping (intuitive/affective vs. Logical/introspective) and describe how they might negatively and positively impact parental relationships
2. Describe three things staff, counselors or others could say to couples in the early hours and weeks that might help parents make better intentional communication choices

ABOUT THE PRESENTER:

Sherokee Ilse, BA, BLFA
Sherokee is an International speaker, grief and loss trainer, bereaved parent and author of 18 books/booklets mostly on infant loss, including her first and most popular self-help book for parents and families, Empty Arms: Coping with Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Death and a co-authored book with Tim Nelson, Couple Communication After a Baby Dies: Differing Perspectives. Her newest book is, The Prenatal Bombshell: Help and hope when continuing or ending a precious pregnancy after an abnormal diagnosis.

She had three babies who died too soon and two living sons. Through her newest organization, Loss Doulas International and Baby Loss Family advisors, she trains and helps certify individuals to become one-to-one companions, advisors, guides, and navigators to families soon after hearing the bad news, through their process of preparation and meeting their baby, and beyond.

Amy Megan

10/23/2018 07:04:33 am

I have not personally experienced a pregnancy loss, but a few women I know, have and they have been open about how taxing it can be on a marriage. I appreciated how you spoke on how people do not comfort men the same as women, I think it's an important gap to acknowledge and fill, so as friends and supporters, we can be there for the couple. While I hope not to experience the loss of a child, this has provided a lot of great communication building ideas that I think is important that couples discuss to help build a good foundation if a loss were to ever occur.

Sherokee Ilse link

10/24/2018 10:20:29 am

Thank you, Amy. Nice that you find this info applicable in your life despite not needing it personally. So much focus is on the mother...how do those daddies do it (often so alone and expected to be 'strong'
Please feel free to invite others (your friends with losses, their families, and others ) to sign up and then watch this video (and others! Help spread the word so it can be helpful to those who need it.

Kristen Entze

10/23/2018 07:10:31 pm

Thank you for sharing this information. As my husband and I are going through child loss right now it definitely is very stressful. I am so grateful that we had a solid foundation for our relationship before our daughter was stillborn 3 months ago I can definitely see how relationships become strained and can ultimately be broken as a result of the intense grief. It is so hard figuring out each other's ways of dealing with it all, but the was so much in your presentation that I found very applicable to my husband and I. I think it's just about finding a balance and being willing to listen. I think for me the hardest thing is my husband wants to "fix" it for me and he's been wonderful, but for me navigating all these emotions isn't easy and I know it isn't for him. It does help me a lot when he'll open up and just be sad about it so I have the opportunity to help him feel better like all the times he has tried to help me. I will definitely suggest he watches this as well it really has opened my eyes to the way he is grieving.

sherokee Ilse link

10/24/2018 10:31:38 am

Thank you, Kristen, for your kind and wise comments. I am so very sad about the loss of your precious little one. And so recently. You must still feel like you are in the fog...that takes a long time to come out of.
It makes be grateful to know that the video helped you better understand.

Please do ask your husband to watch it. Tell him I am looking for feedback from daddies. Are there things he can relate to? Could I have added something else? Does it help him better understand you? And remind him that his 'job' of 'fixing can be eaiser than he thinks. Comments such as...Uh huh! I am so sad too. Tell me more. What helps you? Will you let me know when there are specific things I can do for you?

These do not ACTUALLY fix it, but they allow the verbal women to express, feel listened to, feel understood, and feel less alone and loved! That is helping it along which is maybe the best that can be expected since fixing is impossible - can't get our baby back!

Then ask him what you can do for him to be supportive (which also helps we women when we know we are 'cabable' of giving and helping instead of always 'receiving')? Does he need breaks from talking about? A date night for fun? or quiet together or what???

I would love to hear feedback over time about whether by learning more about communication together and practicing some of the ideas if your relationship grows stronger or not. Also, do you know that another dad/friend and I wrote about out both of our 'couple relationship with my David and his wife Monica' called Couple Communication After a Baby Dies: Differing Perspectives. You can find it at my website. www.babiesremembered.org

Best wishes to you during this difficult time. Do remember the joy and love of knowing and loving your baby and each other. It is not just darkness and sadness and other tough emotions that define who they are to parents and families.

BTW what is your daughter's name? And where do you live? Do you have enough support? Write to me directly at - [email protected]

Stay in touch if you like...
Hugs and blessings!

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